i have been talking about losing weight. (all talk no action, my friends!) well, over the past week or so, i have been kicked in the head with motivation. between reading a few blogs with authors that are both amazing and inspirational and reading about a topic that had such strong truth at heart (for me, i speak for no one else) and made me think about myself.... i took a good, long look in the mirror.
touching on the afore mentioned topic, i believe that i am not the woman i once was. i have, in full honesty, let myself go. hard thing to stomach, (no pun intended) when you are forced to accept that reality. not only have i not lost my baby weight, i have put on more pounds from the comfort eating post-surgery. i stupidly believed (or maybe i just rationalized the insanity to myself?) that since i was breastfeeding, the extra calories from alllll that ice cream wouldnt hurt. the lies we tell ourselves are always the worst. i ballooned. and now, it is time to pop that bubble of obliviousness.
how am i advertising myself? see, we all advertise ourselves. some may put it in different terms (i.e. showing the world your best face, presenting yourself, the impression you give, etc.) but i see it as the same thing. folks, i am doing a piss poor job of showing the world who i am. although i have gorgeous hair (smile!) outwardly, i appear to be lazy, and a bit sloppy. these baggy winter clothes that i wear to hide my weight? i appear to not care about my appearance. that is what i am projecting. a poor self image. and that is the absolute LAST thing i need to cast out right now, in the midst of trying to apply for real jobs in the real world. not to mention that i am, indeed, concerned about how my appearance affects those around me. i know i have asked hubby to shave and wear xyz to a function... he is too kind to tell me the same, and wouldnt dare tell me that i look bad out of consideration for my feelings. but i am almost positive that he thinks it.
i used to be different. i remember myself pre husband and pre baby. i was more motivated, i took action. for petes sake, i used to work in manhattan, wearing all black and heels, face forward and chin high, thinking nothing about lunching in trump towers (thank you for that, est*e laud*r!). i was fierce. and i showed it. attractiveness is not just outside. it is SO much an internal thing.
then i got married. then i got frumpy. and this is just... not fair to me. not fair to him. i think we both miss the woman i was. and you know what? it isnt just missing the appearance. no, no. it is much deeper than that. it is about missing that self-confidence. that sexual freedom and uninhibited-ness. that self assured-ness that made me give sly smiles from the kitchen and wear sexy things to bed. that confidence that made me smile at my reflection in store front windows, that extended to others around me. that stepping up to be heard... and seen. that strength and pride that allowed me to direct/act in vagina monologues, playing the lesbian dominatrix... and working it with a whip and fishnets! this is what i am talking about - it my appearance was what made me unafraid. it is not a superficial thing, it was my glow. my curves making me flow with all things around me. i was succulent, and i loved it.
and i have let it go. who is to blame? me. simply me. and it is also up to me to pick myself and brush myself off. cuz folks? i "clean up good!"
so... it is time. time to get real. time to re emerge. time to polish up. time to eat better and treat my body better. time to take the time and effort every day, despite what else is going on. time to stop making excuses, and claim what i know is there. time to advertise the best me that i am, for, after all, i am the only one who can.
in the words of a dear friend, time to "get my hot back."