Me vs. Rut...

as they say, "you've gotta use deep s**t to grow the best roses..."

it has come to my attention from a well-meaning reader that my posts imply a deep depression and that i may need to speak to someone professionally.

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dear reader, thank you for your concern.  but i assure you, i am not depressed.  this blog is a place that i have been using to vent, to spill my frustrations.  it is not indicative of my entire life - mainly because i havent been updating often, and when good things happen, i tend to celebrate them without needing to "get anything off my chest."  though i am indeed stressed, and though "the rut" is still going on, i am okay.  sometimes, it takes time to make things the way you want them to.  when i started this blog, i was a new mom, dealing with motherhood, student-hood, time management, trying to deal with the red-tape that comes along with student housing, and navigating being "broke" all the time on 2 student incomes.  pretty normal stuff - and venting was to be expected, right?  then came the drama of needing to find a job, moving to a place that was "temporary" because of not having great cash-flow yet, and dealing with not having a car yet.  again, venting is to be expected.  throw in a completly selfish brother and an overbearing mother and you get a pretty common, though irritating as hell, situation.

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i am not depressed.  if i were, i have access to great resources - for free, even! (that is the one thing about my health care employer.  it is a huge system with many divisions, we have a mental health facility among those, and the hospital offers counseling to all employees)  i also would never compare my "rut" to the true depression that i know so many of my dear friends have spoken of.  my issues are "normal variety" stress that comes with being young and finding your niche in a crazy world.  my rut has taught me a LOT about self sufficiency and time frames, a LOT about when to accept help and when to pull up your bootstraps and do it your damn self.  it has taught me to SAVE MONEY because it is true - eventually, you money will save you.

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and the rut?  i know that it will soon be defeated.

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in fact, let me give all yall some better news.  i have found an apartment complex in the next city over, in a lovely area.  a great neighborhood, on the direct bus route i currently take, and the city has a great school system, including younger child care.  it is not far from where my niece goes to school, so she could actually walk to my new place after school, it is closer to my sisters house, and.....  it will just be johnny, muppet and i.  no outside influences or opinions, we get to live in peace.  there will be a bathroom on the same floor, so no navigating long flights of steps while half asleep/dong the peepee dance.  the kitchen will be on the same floor, so no more eating cold dry cereal and drinking lukewarm orange juice out of questionable cups because we are too dammed lazy tired to go down 2 long flights of steps of steps to reach the kitchen.  (and no more leaving cereal bowls up here, to make "cheese"!!!)  we get to spread out and take up all the space we need, no more needing to retreat to our room for privacy. being able to stock up on groceries, becuse we no longer have to share fridge/freezer space. no more random visitors that we dont know, and the complete ability to walk around like the nudists we are.  (okay, not all the time, but sometimes you just want to be free, ya know?!)

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and this weekend?  we are car shopping!!!  i am going to the same used car place that i got my last car, because it was a great find for a great price.  we are not so much looking for a particular make/model, just something dependable to last the next 3 years while i do nursing school.  and something cheap, cuz we are on a super tight budget. when i graduate, yall, i am treating myself to a brand spankin new honda crv.  because i love them.  and i have wanted one for years.  so i will update (with pictures, even!) when we find our new "wheels."

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muppet is wonderful, her new word is "sycamore."  where the hell did she learn that??!!  and in what context??!!  (oh, i laugh, i laugh!)  it is so cute to see/hear her say it, too.  the "more" part is accompanied by this little pucker... oh, she is so great!   she is enjoying her sitter, and although we are looking to put her somewhere a bit more academic and structured, i love "p." (her care provider) and will have to be sure to give her a gift of my appreciation for easing my daughters transition to "outside care" and easing my fears of having someone else care for my baby. 

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okay darlings, that is all for now.  i send good vibes to my pregnant friends and assure you all that i am, indeed, okay.

hey yall!  its me again.  i thought i would be able to sleep late today, as it is my day off, but since hubby mysteriously has 2 "broken" arms and forgets how to care for a child whenever i am in the house past 6am, i had to get up to "help him" get things together so that they could leave on time this morning.  basically, it is early and id rather be asleep.  but i cant re-find that warm, snuggly pocket in the bed under the covers that feels perfect and makes you never want to get up again.  so i guess i should go ahead and start my day.

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was that paragraph coherent?  i dont know.  yall know what i mean!

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anyway, i think i am going with word press, but the biggest problem is coming up with a new screen name thing and a new blog title.  i think that "me vs. rut" is still appropriate, but i want something fresh and new.  i dont want to be "muppets mama" or anything, and i am not necessarily clever about things of that sort.  so...  its taking a minute.  but as soon as i come up with it, yall will be the first to know.

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in other news, i am physically moving as well.   ahhhhh- the drama behind that one!  basically, my selfish ass brother decided and told me (on this past friday) that he was moving out (this past monday!)  yeah, 3 days notice.  so, not only are we stuck with more money to pay out for his missing portion on house hold expenses, but we cannot afford to live here without that extra 1/4 contribution, so we are scrambling to find an apartment.  which means we will no longer be able to "carpool" with my family, so we are scrambling to find a cheap but dependable car.  i swear, i could wring his scrawny little neck.  he claims he moved out because he needs his privacy.  but i think it had more to do with the fact that he is a selfish, impulsive, immature little boy who was raised to believe that his actions have no repercussions and that he is free to do whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he wants, all others be damned.  my mother, who complains about his irresponsibility and how she will be stuck making the mortgage payments (this is her house, though she doesnt live here) is the one who lent him the security deposit for his new place. 

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read that again.  she is the one who lent him the security deposit for his new place.  meaning: 1- he cant afford to move out, cant afford any of this bull that he is getting himself into.  2-  she financed, and continues to finance, his impulsive behavior, while complaining to her daughters about it.  3- she condoned his moving out and allowed him to screw her over with the whole mortgage thing  4-  she gave him a grand for his deposit so he could screw his little "barely legal" girlfriends without judgment and without question, while i - her other child- am left with no place to live and no financial reserves to find a place to live.   she made it possible for him to screw all of us. 

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and i am so damn tired of her treating her son like a GOD, it is making me crazy.  he has crashed his last 2 cars, and she act as his chauffeur/car rental/taxi service.  she caters to him.  she defers to him.  let me not forget, she is also his after hours child care provider, his bank, and his personal chef.  she used to do his laundry up till about a year ago.  geez.

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so yeah, i am looking for an apartment. but this is a blessing in disguise.  i will be able to have peace and be free from all the drama. 

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um, what else?  got screwed by my boss in regards to my benefits package, but the job itself is wonderful.  i am loving it, and am really glad that i have finally found something in the area that i am happy with.

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feeling sleepy now, sorry for the rambling rant, but thats what was on my mind this morning.  the next entry will be better, i promise.

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so, what should i name the new blog??!!

moving soon...

hello darlings...   i need some advice...  what is the best FREE blog service site? which are the free ones, anyway?  what say you?

i am better, things are better.  funeral arangements are being made for my fil, although he is still with us at this point.  he has called for all of his grandchildren to come see him this saturday, and so we will be making the trip up there. 

i dont think i mentioned this before, but i got a new position at the hospital, and will now be working in the or, assisting in c-sections. more money, full time, good stuff.

baby is great, though snotty at the moment.  lets just hope it stays clear!

hmmm...  i am in the process of making the baby a blanket, and though i am a novice with the whole crochet thing, i am very proud of it.  i will post pics soon. 

okay, its late.  more soon.

smooches to all yall, and thanks for checking in on me, milenka!

words

my father in law is dying.  my father is slowly killing himself.  i am drifting in a sea of misery and feel as though my tears are flooding my mind.

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i am a horrible friend, for i complain about the fact that i am alone but do not reach out.  i am content to bitch and whine, but take no action.

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i am my worst fear realized.

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i do love my job now, but not the circumstances that surround it.

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i have lost both love and respect for my mother.  and that is a hard, hard thing to swallow.  i know why and i know the circumstances that led up to this feeling,  but i dont know how it happened.  i think that something is wrong with me, for she is the same woman that she always was.  i think.  but maybe i am different now.  and i feel guilty, but i... dont love her like i did merely months ago.  it hurts me, and i am ashamed.

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my husband angers me, for i feel that he is stagnant and does not care about his health and appearance anymore.  yet, i am a hypocrite.

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my child is wonderful.  she is wonderful.  but she deserves better.

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i used to love blogging.  i used to love keeping up with the wonderful anecdotes of others, and lending a voice for solidarity.  but i have grown quiet and i wonder if silence is the next step. 

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yes, i am always fighting this rut.  and i knew that the rut could not be triumphed over, for it is ever-changing.  but it is oppressive.  like a hot, wet, blanket.  and i lack (through laziness or genetics, i dont know) the strength to come out for air. 

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i over eat and over spend to compensate for my life.  and then i sit, and sit, and sit, dreaming of the day it will all be different.

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time.  if only i could take it back.

love thursday

this bandwagon seems really sweet, so on i jump.

this is muppet and my nephew, who muppet calls "shine."  lets stick with that moniker, shall we?  anyway, she and shine are two peas in a pod, thing one and thing two, frick and frack, buddies through and through.  and oh, how she adores him.  they are the product of, the givers of, the recipients of, and the epitome of... love.

summarily...

...just to clarify, the insanity of survivor needs to be stopped.  racially assigned tribes?  is this really the  can of worms we want to open... what, in the midst of all the other "oh-so-fun" racially charged topics that we havent dealt with in this country?   cuz, yall, this is a HUGE can.  just say "NO!" to survivor.

i dont know where to begin

hello to those of you who are still checking back for updates.  there is so much going on in life, and i really dont want to be one of those women who just focus on the negative all the time.  but.. well... nothing great is going on.

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my job at the hospital?  its okay.  but the hours suck.  i am on a 7-3:30 shift, and i take the bus, so i am up at 4am to leave my house (walking, mind you) at 5, so i can get to the bus stop by 5:20 to catch my bus at 5:25.  it is a 45 minute ride, so it is necessary to leave that early.  i get there, and i do grunt work.  not the lovely things that are in my job description, but the stuff that housekeeping usually does.  WAIT!!!!!  dont think that i am saying anything ill against the housekeeping staff, they are wonderful!!!!  the issue is that i signed on to do patient work, birthing work, hands-on stuff.  and more often than not, all i do is change bed linen and tote dirty laundry down the hall to the laundry chute.  and yall, i really dont have a problem doing it, but i would like to do it in addition to the things i was trained to do. am i wrong for that? oh, and there has also been huge amounts of sadness on the floor, but due to hospital rules and regulations, i have been unable to comfort my fellow mothers.  i feel so useless. plus, i dont get home till late, around 5:30, and have to be in bed by 9 to get any kind of decent sleep.  it sucks.  and now that my training period is over, they only have me down for 3 shifts a week, which will not pay my bills.  my health insurance is too expensive, so i cant sign up for it (it would be roughly 1/3 my monthly net pay.  damn!)  i have to look for another job.

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i am interviewing on monday for a position with the local "p.p" organization, which is GREAT because it will encompas my womens studies/clinic/social service work.  plus it is full time and pays more.  and has benefits, and one of the offices is within walking distance!  but... it is just an interview.  so i dont want to get too excited yet. 

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the family is good, muppet is worrying me, though.  her two front teeth are sorta discolored, and the gums bleed really easily.  we are going to have to just pay out of pocket for a pediatric dentist, because i have no idea what is going on.  i am a stickler for good hygeine, so i know it is not for lack of brushing.  *sigh* other than that, though, she is great.  loving "school" and having big fun with the other kids. 

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i am so sick and tired of being broke, and this paycheck-to-paycheck living is making me want to cry.  there is never enough left to do much, although the hubby used 2 vacation hours and "grocery money" this afternoon and we went to the movies to see "accepted."  it was a predictable and silly movie, but it made us laugh like simpletons, which felt really, really good.

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i found an affordable car in (what was listed as) great condition online, but the seller hasnt gotten back to me yet and it is royally pissing me off.  the car is a volkswagon, is quite small, but very workable, and again - affordable... the only thing in our immediate price range.  and oh, so cute!  i really really want it. 

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the weight loss is slow, but i am down 5 pounds. it could have been more, but i have not been eating right.  i have to be down into a size 16 for the family reunion this november!  (mainly because my only bathing suit is a 16 and i refuse to buy another one!  when you have boobage like mine, and need support, those suits arent cheap!)

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hmmmm, what else?  oh yeah, i cant start nursing school yet because i didnt meet the deadlines due to a mixup that was NOT MY FAULT.  i am enrolled at the local community college through which i will be taking the classes, but i didnt know that i had to register with the local hospital as well (it is a co-op program) and so i have to sit out this year.  i guess i am not as upset about that as it gives me time to normalize my schedule first, but damn...  i could have at least been taking any supplemental classes.  ugh.

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so thats that.  also - for any of my readers who i read as well, i am so sorry for my lack of comments on your blogs.  i have been following along periodically, but have been in too much of a funk to say anything productive.  but i am hearing yall.  definitely. 

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not too much else.  family is driving me insane, and i reallllllly dont like living with my brother's ex.  she is a sweet girl, but hubby calls her "dim-bulb" and it fits.  its like talking to a child sometimes.  and she wont replace toilet tissue or dish liquid.  and she keeps eating our lunch supplies.  and she insists on keeping all the room doors and windows closed, so that the house feels like a stale, hot, dark tomb.  and my nephew, bless his heart, is spoiled rotten and runs his parents which does NOT happen with muppet so there is always exasperation there.  i love my  little buddy, but he always screams bloody murder with me because i make him either "listen to auntie" or "SIT DOWN AND HAVE A TIME OUT!!!"  (note - there is no problem with me disciplining him, my family is close and we believe in the "village" philosophy.  his parents dont undermine me when i discipline him, thank god. and since i dont believe in spanking children, all that gets hurt are his feelings.  ;o)  )  plus, my brother is coddled by my mother, and i am beginning to resent the fact that he can use her car whenever he wants to (and he runs around all times of the night, transporting his friends and whatnot in addition to going to school, work, the mall, etc) since his got stolen, but if i ask to use it to go buy food, she gives me this huge lecture and song and dance about how she is tired of loaning out her car and how she is always having to put wear on her precious vehicle and how it keeps getting mysterious scratches on it and whatnot....  AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! (hello - when your son is a reckless driver, things happen)   her precious son?  take the BUS???!!!  never!!!  but my ass is up an hour before the crack of dawn to walk 20 blocks to do so.  the clincher is that my hubby and brother and mom work in the same building, but hubby has to walk while brother gets picked up by my mother, to ride in style.  and its not a short walk, either. (they take the two babies to child care, and everyone cant fit.  brother gets to ride.  hubby doesnt - ever.) brother can afford a new car, mind you, but wont buy one because, hey, hey has a personal chauffer and "rental" car at his fingertips.  why buy a car?  but the people who are struggling have to "foot it."  in the oppressive heat.  (quick background, i had a car.  it died while i was in school.  i couldnt afford a new one.  nor could hubby, as he was in school full time too.  so we are just building savings back up since i was damn near out of work for 2 months and we had to use that money to live on.  brother has a super cushy job that my mother set up for him via one of her friends and makes big bucks.  he had a very well known and expensive car, which was stolen. he refuses to persue anything regarding it, nor get a new car.  he likes using to money to buy frivolous things.    i love my brother, but he has always been like this - coddled and comfortable with having things handed to him.  to his credit, he is in university part time, but damn.  and no, he doesnt have to pay for his tuition, either.  i, on the other hand, did.  am i bitter?  maybe a wee bit.) but yeah, there are too many people in this house.  and it is not working.

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oh, oh, one more clarification.  yes, hubby does have a position in the same building.  but it is not as high as my brothers, it is not a permanent position, nor does he have benefits.  it was not a "hook up" like the other one, and sadly, hubby is job hunting now, too.

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okay, i realize that this whole entry is like one big bratty, jealous, ungrateful whine.  but i swear, it is not meant to come off that way.  i am  frustrated with everything around me... and that is why i havent posted in weeks.  i am hoping for something better soon, i need to get the hell out of this house so all my childhood shit doesnt come rushing back to overtake me.  that middle child thing?  especially when you have an older sister and a younger brother?  its real, yall. 

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okay, time to stop.

got me working, working, day and night...

i have been very, very tired... but i am happy.  i have started my new job as a women's health/ldrp nursing assistant, and it is fabulous!  today was my first day on the floor (though i am still in orientation through the end of the week) and among the many things i experienced, the highlights were:

-observation of a c-section, right in the heart of the action

-cleaning up after a meconium splattered mother (and floor, and bed, and...everything)

i also witness some very heartbreaking things, and...  i had to cry.  i just had to.  i will spare yall the details, particularly because two of my dear readers - a & m, are dear friends who happen to be pregnant, and there is no need to add worry.  but i realized that compassion is something learned with experience.

i also got up close and personal with how freaking ROUGH some nurses can be with the wee newborns! damn!!  it pissed me off so much - i mean, i know that they get busy, but if they have time to sit around and talk about who screwed who on the soap operas and talk shows, then they can take just a few extra moments and take the sticky monitor sensors off the baby's skin gently and take a second to respond to the screaming, red, scared, tiny, crying baby under the hot ass nursery warmer lights.  i mean, i would have hated to see muppet in the nicu screaming while nurses standed around ignoring her.  yeah, i know that the nurses arent always emotional invested, but damn.  damn.  i vow to be different.  dont get me wrong, though, there were some great people there and i had a really good time on the floor.  greatest part about the whole thing?  one of the ob scrub techs is leaving and one of the head nurses informed me that she had me in mind for the job since she was so impressed with me when i toured the ward on my initial interview!!!!   i am PSYCHED!!!! that means that i could potentially be working the equivalent of full time, padding my resume like crazy.  plus, the hospital often has continuing education classes for the nurses on staff, and i will be attending one of those tomorrow.  which means, essentially, that i will receive a certificate for it and.... yes, you got it, more resume padding.  i swear, by the time i get out of nursing school, i will be the most desirable new hire ever!!

but oh, i am tired.

in response...

to "mary",

thank you for your lovely email, and yes, muppet had a great time at the party - there were smiling faces all around.  however, the reason that hers was the only face you were able to see is because i do not choose to post pictures of others' children - those that i know personally.  if she were outside somewhere and there were "random" people in the background, then that would be one thing.  but in order to respect the privacy of my friends and family, i will allow them to remain anonymous on this blog.   it is, indeed, intentional that you just see thier sweet curls and nothing more.   

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i hope you can understand this and continue to enjoy the feeling and sentiment that the pictures here offer.

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thank you for reading along,

kenya

twenty nine

             (dont yall laught at my poorly photo-shopped cake!)

my gift to myself is a new weight-loss blog

"talk" is cheap and pictures are worth a thousand words

i am late getting the information, but better late than never.  for the the "babytalk" readers, for kateri, for the revolution...

     

a week in pictures

well, it has truly been a hell of a week.  it started out with a broken camera (note the red hue, though i whacked it a few times and the color thingey fixed itself)

sun in her eyes

profiling!

taking a stroll with grandma (the southern belle/debutante)

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then, muppet had a birthday party to attend, which was lovely...

check out the hairdo! (courtesy of grandma)

birthday girl, M (in solid pink) getting help with the opening of her presents

check out the weeble suv!!

muppet making a new friend, P

hello muppet!

goodbye, M!

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then, things went a bit downhill.  there were tantrums, and they were not nice.  though, i did employ both soothing techniques and ice cream therapy.  (the ice cream was for me, not her!)

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things soon went from bad to worse...

ugh.  i HATE iv lines

but i had good company in the er

it was a loooooong day

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as of right now, i am in pain.  tired.

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but there are good points, kiddos.

for i have a job.  a cool job.  i am now employed by one of the area hospitals as a woman's health associate/nursing assistant.  it is only part time, but the job itself is perfect for me.  i get to incorporate my women's studies background and my doula background while working through nursing school.  i get tuition reimbursement (whoo hoo!!!) and full benefits.  ahhhhh, music to my ears.  my boss is amazing and she is working on trying to get more hours for me.  orientation starts on the 7th, and i am SO looking forward to it. 

the only downside is that it is not full time and that it is a 20 minute drive... note that i dont have a car, so i will have to either take the bus or train till we save up enough funds.  (which, mind you, will take a minute since i have not been working and all savings are depleted.)  but thats okay, we have time.

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and oh yeah, birthday countdown: 3 more days!

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i am smiling for the first time in a while.

food poisioning

yeah. 

its not fun. 

be back soon.

hindsight

ohhhhkay.  so i have been interviewing, and the #1 most common question asked of me is: 

"why are you going out for this job?  why arent you looking for something in your field?"

the #1 comment that i have gotten when i harass the companies or organizations to which i have sent out my resume with why they havent responded to my damn incessant submissions follow up is : "you are overqualified. we figured you wouldnt want this job." (an obvious summary in my own words, but you get the gist)

now, see, heres the thing.  if i didnt want the job, i wouldnt have applied for it or submitted my damn info for it.  okay?!

and, i mean, what the hell am i supposed to say to that?  "yeah, well, be that as it may,  i am a whore for cash right now" or "well, quite frankly, i am desperate."  i mean, really??

and besides, what do they assume i should be doing?!  every non-profit org that i can find wants someone bilingual (spanish, specifically, which is beginning to raise the "discrimination" hairs on the back of my neck...) the colleges around here want you to have 10 years experience or more for freaking entry level positions, and everything in the health care/women's health area requires a nursing license.

so what am i supposed to be doing with my degree?  hell if i know!!!  at this point, i just want something - anything- that will pay my high ass bills.  my care provider told me that she will have to let go of muppet's spot if we couldnt commit to full time because she has other kids on the wait list.  understandable.  and scary, too!  because that means that though we cant afford child care if i have no paycheck, we have to find a way or else she will have no childcare once i do find a job. 

nursing school will take 2 years.  only 1 class a semester, mind you, but 2 years time.  till then, i am *ahem* fucked.

my advice?  unless you are independantly wealthy, do NOT go to school for something that is merely a passion.  (that sentence goes against everything i have ever stood for.  *sigh*)

so tell me this:  what would YOU do with a higher degree in "women's studies"??????

i kid you not...

... my child, my sweet cherub, SHAT CRAYON.  yes, you read that right.  yesterday?  yeah, i saw the obvious teeth marks in the green crayon and realized that a piece was missing.  in fact, i double checked to make sure it had the "non-toxic" label.  but nothing, i. mean. NO.THING. could have prepared me for this :  i wiped her butt after some extreme poopage and there were green scribbles on the wipe.  some of the crayon pieces that were still stuck to her had created an image - a damn drawing!- on the wipe.

squiggly lines. 

I AM NOT KIDDING, YALL!!  it blew my mind.  she shat crayon.  i have seen it all.

first trip to the park

babbling with excitement

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cautious

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wondering if i will set her free

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throwing caution to the wind/running full speed on concrete and thus giving me mild heart palpatations

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she screamed on the slide, the little rocking clifford doggy thing, and the baby swing, but when i sat in the "big people" swing and held her on my lap, she started to enjoy the ride... a little.