Me vs. Rut...

you do the math

well, my dears.  i have hard news.  well, hard for me.  i am sure you all will be able to function as normal.  i am devistated:

i had 2 huge exams this week.  each counted for 25% of a final grade.  i failed them both.

my graduation?  not likely.

and i dont even know how to deal with this.  so i need to just... i dont know.  be gone for a while.  focus and try to figure some stuff out.  try not to just shut down.  try to find a reason to not call myself a complete fuck-up and a complete failure.

i need time. 

be back in may.

whats been up

it an absolutely beautiful day outside!!!  there is all this stuff going on on campus, and i am stuck inside writing papers. i dont know if i have mentioned this, but i have a LOT of work to make-up from when i was out for muppets birth, and i have been piggy-backing that work on top of the other work i have to do.  and... it all has to be done, pretty much, by the 1st of may.  needless to say that i am up to my eyeballs in schoolwork right now.  but it will pay off, oh yeah.  counting down the days!!! 

graduation garb is ridiculously expensive (in other words, my school is ridiculously cheap and wont front the cost of anything!), and as i have to buy gown, hat, tassel, hood, cords, stole and actually pay for my own damn honors medal (the bastards!), i am trying to figure out what to do with it all once ive worn it.  i think i should list it on ebay**.  not to mention the millions of "exit interview" type stuff that i have to send in!!!

dr. h seems to think that i have "A level work" and has written it on the 2 papers that have been required for her class thus far.  yet, on each, my grade has been  B+. she is one of those profs who dont believe in giving out "A"s.  what the hell is that about... dont flatter yourself, lady! you arent giving me anything, it is all about what i have earned.  i hate when individuals power trip to my detriment, and the dean of her department needs to know about this insanity...  i swear, if my attendance didnt suck for that class, i would pursue it.  (i am late ev.er.y day.) 

on the same note, i am now enrolled into a nursing program, scheduled to begin this august.  i am only taking one class for fall 06, mainly because i need to put some money in the bank and focus on  getting a car.  not to mention that really?  i need a break from school. taking one class gives me a chance to cut back on all the homework while still not being required to start paying back loans. 

we (me, muppet, my sister who came up to visit) took a field trip to ikea on sunday, and i had a ball.  leisure hours spent roaming and planning, taking pictures of room ideas, and yall... we ate the most incredible lunch there!  i had the freshest steamed veggies and rice, with an amazing marsala sauce on the side.  $1.98 total.  i mean, come on.  it doesnt get better than that! 

okay, not much else going on... just studying.  hopefully i will have more to post tomorrow... and oh yeah... i am looking for my camera power cord because i have some pics to share!

**joking!  its going in an old dusty box with the other diplomas and billions of "preschool through university" items that were too sentimental to get rid of.  or maybe i will hang the medal on the degree one day when i get a home office.  till then... the box. 

fyi...

*i have started responding to comments in the comments sections again.

*i think that julie is... amazing.  she cements my faith in people.

*ANTM is my crack.  is it next wednesday yet???!!!

*i reeeeeeally need to shower.  but i just got muppet down for a nap.  and i'll be DAMNED if i am going to risk waking that chick up!  and i cant shower when she is awake or she will go buck wild in the apartment and start licking the bottom of our shoes and find hair to eat and take off her diaper and rub her nekked body against the kitchen garbage can (i wish i was exaggerating, alas, not so much)  ...  so i will just have to stew in my own juices (or roast in my own stank, which is more truthful) until hubby gets home.

* i graduate in 35 days. 

*i put on a size 18 jeans.  18.  like, 2 sizes down from my other jeans.  (i am thinking it is just the cut and stretch material, but whatever - they make me feel damn good and look much, much less bummy.  all hail stretch jeans!) and so i bought them.  and they, plus my tevas, are making me feel very spring time fresh.  (sounds like a "feminine" commercial, but you know what i mean!)

*boobs hurt.  must pump.  talk to yall later!

oh wait, one more:

*i will be starting a weight loss blog next month.  stay tuned!

can i get some support, PLEASE???!!!

maybe its just me.  but i hate, hate, HATE when people who are watching my child for me while i am in class (ahem) say things like:

"no, muppet, you have to eat because your mother says so and mother is the BOSS."

or

"well, your mother says that you cant touch that power cord and you know that she is the BOSS so you have to do what she says."

now, what kind of mess is that?  cant we have some solidarity?  cant she be required to eat her food because it is healthy and good for her and will help her grow big and strong?  how bout not touching the cord because it is dangerous!?    why is my baby being told, essentially, that "mama is the damn warden and is forcing you to adhere to these horrid rules, but if it were up to me, you could run buck wild!"

i have always said that i would never say "because i said so!" to my child, mainly because i hated that as a child.  (i assert that i may use this phrase once she is older and knows better, but not in the formative years where "why?" is often a very valid question opening the door for great learning opportunities.)   not that i constantly questioned my parents, but i just liked the consideration of communication.  you know?  so to have someone tell my child "because mama said so!" pisses me off.  really, really really.  (not to mention the fact that it makes the caretaker look extremely irresponsible and nonchalant about my daughters actions.)

the best one was when i was putting on my socks in the bedroom and heard her tell my child:

"you have to eat it all or your mother is going to come out here and beat us up!" 

at that, i had to yell:

"dont tell my child that!  dont you EVER tell my child that i am going to beat her up!"

the response?  the caretaker just laughed.  i swear...  just 2 more months... just 2 more months....

beating the hell out of a dead horse

yall like that title, dontcha??!!!

okay, heres the question that i have asked before, but i dont think i really got a specific answer, and i cant find any literature or opinions or experiences anywhere else on line... so heres my question.  again.  i know, i know.  i will stop after this, i promise.

so our family reunion is this year, and the location (which has been changed a bazillion times) has finally been selected - the dominican republic.  which means?  first plane trip for muppet.  now, we are doing the volo (to check as we enter the plane) to roam around the airport, but i didnt get her her own airline seat.  i figured that i would use the flight vest thingey.  well, turns out that you cant attatch it to you during take off and landing.  it is only for the actual flight.  so...  am i to just hold her during take off and landing?  simply... hold her?  seems weird since i will be required to be strapped in.  should i have gotten her a seat?  is it cool to hold a baby during takeoff and landing?  what did yall do with your little ones on their respective plane trips?  my mom and the "old head" family members keep telling me that it is okay to hold a baby on the plane... thats what they did with us kids.  but, um, that was pre-"required infant seat" time anyway. 

tell me your stories about how yall did the flights.  pleeeeeease.  dont make me beg.  it wont be pretty, i promise you.

stuff

baby has learned to put both hands on either side of my face, and kiss my lips.  so sweet!!!  (she also will come over to me and lick my face reeeaaallllllyyy slow.  disturbing!)

3 new teeth! (8 total, so lots of crankiness)

20 papers to write! (granted, some are just response papers, but still... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!)

have to wash my hair, and then comb it and twist it (6 hour job, easy!)

it snowed today... big, thick, heavy snow!  blinding white clouds!  but nothing stuck.  wtf??!!

training a new woman at my office job.  ugh!  not enjoying this at all!

want to curl up with comfort food and watch friends reruns.

sigh.

culture

as i may have mentioned, muppet is part grenadian (paternal), and this past friday, the hubby, the baby, the mil and i all went to a grenadian heritage event.  it was...  just lovely.

first of all, when mil is happy, she is very easy to be around.  well, surrounded by her culture, the sounds/voices/music of her home, the food that she grew up with, etc.....  it was a joy to witness.

muppet?  ahhh, she did her grandmother proud.  my little one has true island blood, let me tell you!  she was winin' with the best of them, on beat, and as the youngest person there, was quite the attraction!

it was great for hubby to be around his people, too, and although i felt a wee bit like an outsider when one of the guest speakers spoke and i only understood about 15 words total (i am SO NOT JOKING!!!), i had a great time too! 

i love all things cultural, regardless of the culture itself.  my childhood best friend, anne,  was irish-american, and i grew to love saint patricks day because of it.  i wore a claddagh ring (that she gave me) for years (till i took it off and lost it!) and  even went to the catholic church events with her.  one of the possible name choices for muppet was "sine"** (pronounce "sheena").   in fact, i think subconsciously, i cannot help but to love aitch, because she looks a lot like anne.  but i digress. 

one of the things that make me a bit jealous is others' identification with their "home country."  i wish i could do that.  now, i do have the ability to claim a region, as i was raised in georgia as a bonafide "southern gal,"  but... no identifiable country - something that a vast majority of african americans can identify with.  (what i am also finding, through conversation, is that many white people are identifying as just "white" or "caucasian" without country links either because of cultural blending. so there is white identification as well.)   funny - i am remembering one of my high school friends who knew and took pride in it all, and if anyone asked her about her background, would quote "i am english, irish, welsh, african american, sioux, german.....!  i adored melanie!   

i am going on and on without any real point.  basically, i love learning about culture, and how we identify.  i love travel, and embracing traditions and whatnot.  i love the richness of afro-caribbean  colors and beats, i love the flowing beauty of european goddess rituals.  i love golden, sweet sandiness of australia, i love the food of puerto rico.  i love the lushness of ireland, i love the high tech feel of hong kong, i love the feminine sensuality of japanese gardens.  i am rambling.

anyway, my hope is that muppet has the opportunity to explore that part of her heritage in a deeper sense.  i want us to go to grenada, for her to touch the ocean and the sand and feel a connection.  i want her to have authentic clothing and local fish.  i want her to read the story books that her ancestors heard as children.  i would love to see her as a teenager, combing her hair in her bathroom vanity, putting on lip gloss, smoothing jeans over her hips, admiring her sweet brown face, getting ready for her day as she almost undetectably swayed to a soca beat playing in the background.  i want her to cook grenadian food for a bedridden friend. i want her to get excited about carnival. i want her to have this piece of home that i was missing. that is my wish for her.

**when i was... hmmm, late teens or early twenties, i dreamed about my daughter.  in the dream, her name was "sheena kim."  well, i looked up the "culturally authentic" way of spelling it, and i found "sine."  i always connected it to anne in a way, as the name is irish/gaelic.  so if muppet had come out with the same physical characteristics of the child in the dream, she would have been named  "sine" although we changed the middle name to "mei." i went into the hospital armed with one feminine name - "sine mei," meaning gods gracious gift (my middle name means "the gracious") and greatness/beauty ("SHEena MAY" - sounds suuuuuuuuuper country-fied, doesnt it?! i love it!), one masculine name  - "wyndon ayodele" meaning pure/chief and joy enters the house (i dreamed about wyndon when i was 13;  i was saving my son from a fire) and one unisex first name with a choice of a feminine middle name or a masculine middle name.  muppet officially got the unisex/feminine name combo.  funny though, i so rarely call her by her name.  she was "turkey" and "eskimo pie" for her first few months, and then graduated to "seent-o-pots" and "muppet."  though lately, i have been addressing her as "peepeebutt."  my poor baby! ha!!

the road to succelence

i have been talking about losing weight.  (all talk no action, my friends!) well, over the past week or so, i have been kicked in the head with motivation.  between reading a few blogs with authors that are both amazing and inspirational and reading about a  topic that had such strong truth at heart (for me, i speak for no one else) and made me think about myself....  i took a good, long look in the mirror.

touching on the afore mentioned topic, i believe that i am not the woman i once was.  i have, in full honesty, let myself go.  hard thing to stomach, (no pun intended) when you are forced to accept that reality.  not only have i not lost my baby weight, i have put on more pounds from the comfort eating post-surgery.  i stupidly believed (or maybe i just rationalized the insanity to myself?)  that since i was breastfeeding, the extra calories from alllll that ice cream wouldnt hurt.  the lies we tell ourselves are always the worst.  i ballooned.  and now, it is time to pop that bubble of obliviousness.

how am i advertising myself?  see, we all advertise ourselves.  some may put it in different terms (i.e.  showing the world your best face, presenting yourself, the impression you give, etc.)  but i see it as the same thing.  folks, i am doing a piss poor job of showing the world who i am.  although i have gorgeous  hair (smile!)  outwardly, i appear to be lazy, and a bit sloppy.  these baggy winter clothes that i wear to hide my weight?  i appear to not care about my appearance.  that is what i am projecting.  a poor self image.  and that is the absolute LAST thing i need to cast out right now, in the midst of trying to apply for real jobs in the real world. not to mention that i am, indeed, concerned about how my appearance affects those around me.  i know i have asked hubby to shave and wear xyz to a function...  he is too kind to tell me the same, and wouldnt dare tell me that i look bad out of consideration for my feelings.  but i am almost positive that he thinks it. 

i used to be different.  i remember myself pre husband and pre baby.  i was more motivated, i took action.  for petes sake, i used to work in manhattan, wearing all black and heels, face forward and chin high, thinking nothing about lunching in trump towers (thank you for that, est*e laud*r!).  i was fierce.  and i showed it.  attractiveness is not just outside.  it is SO much an internal thing.

then i got married.  then i got frumpy.  and this is just... not fair to me.  not fair to him.  i think we both miss the woman i was.  and you know what?  it isnt just missing the appearance.  no, no.  it is much deeper than that.  it is about missing that self-confidence.  that sexual freedom and uninhibited-ness.  that self assured-ness that made me give sly smiles from the kitchen and wear sexy things to bed.  that confidence that made me smile at my reflection in store front windows, that extended to others around me.  that stepping up to be heard... and seen.  that strength and pride that allowed me to direct/act in vagina monologues,  playing the lesbian dominatrix... and working it with a whip and fishnets!  this is what i am talking about  - it my appearance was what made me unafraid.  it is not a superficial thing, it was my glow.  my curves making me flow with all things around me.  i was succulent, and i loved it.

and i have let it go.  who is to blame?  me.  simply me.  and it is also up to me to pick myself and brush myself off.  cuz folks?  i "clean up good!"

so...  it is time.  time to get real.  time to re emerge.  time to polish up.  time to eat better and treat my body better.  time to take the time and effort every day, despite what else is going on.  time to stop making excuses, and claim what i know is there.  time to advertise the best me that i am, for, after all, i am the only one who can.

in the words of a dear friend, time to "get my hot back."

yeah.