i dont know where to begin

hello to those of you who are still checking back for updates.  there is so much going on in life, and i really dont want to be one of those women who just focus on the negative all the time.  but.. well... nothing great is going on.

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my job at the hospital?  its okay.  but the hours suck.  i am on a 7-3:30 shift, and i take the bus, so i am up at 4am to leave my house (walking, mind you) at 5, so i can get to the bus stop by 5:20 to catch my bus at 5:25.  it is a 45 minute ride, so it is necessary to leave that early.  i get there, and i do grunt work.  not the lovely things that are in my job description, but the stuff that housekeeping usually does.  WAIT!!!!!  dont think that i am saying anything ill against the housekeeping staff, they are wonderful!!!!  the issue is that i signed on to do patient work, birthing work, hands-on stuff.  and more often than not, all i do is change bed linen and tote dirty laundry down the hall to the laundry chute.  and yall, i really dont have a problem doing it, but i would like to do it in addition to the things i was trained to do. am i wrong for that? oh, and there has also been huge amounts of sadness on the floor, but due to hospital rules and regulations, i have been unable to comfort my fellow mothers.  i feel so useless. plus, i dont get home till late, around 5:30, and have to be in bed by 9 to get any kind of decent sleep.  it sucks.  and now that my training period is over, they only have me down for 3 shifts a week, which will not pay my bills.  my health insurance is too expensive, so i cant sign up for it (it would be roughly 1/3 my monthly net pay.  damn!)  i have to look for another job.

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i am interviewing on monday for a position with the local "p.p" organization, which is GREAT because it will encompas my womens studies/clinic/social service work.  plus it is full time and pays more.  and has benefits, and one of the offices is within walking distance!  but... it is just an interview.  so i dont want to get too excited yet. 

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the family is good, muppet is worrying me, though.  her two front teeth are sorta discolored, and the gums bleed really easily.  we are going to have to just pay out of pocket for a pediatric dentist, because i have no idea what is going on.  i am a stickler for good hygeine, so i know it is not for lack of brushing.  *sigh* other than that, though, she is great.  loving "school" and having big fun with the other kids. 

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i am so sick and tired of being broke, and this paycheck-to-paycheck living is making me want to cry.  there is never enough left to do much, although the hubby used 2 vacation hours and "grocery money" this afternoon and we went to the movies to see "accepted."  it was a predictable and silly movie, but it made us laugh like simpletons, which felt really, really good.

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i found an affordable car in (what was listed as) great condition online, but the seller hasnt gotten back to me yet and it is royally pissing me off.  the car is a volkswagon, is quite small, but very workable, and again - affordable... the only thing in our immediate price range.  and oh, so cute!  i really really want it. 

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the weight loss is slow, but i am down 5 pounds. it could have been more, but i have not been eating right.  i have to be down into a size 16 for the family reunion this november!  (mainly because my only bathing suit is a 16 and i refuse to buy another one!  when you have boobage like mine, and need support, those suits arent cheap!)

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hmmmm, what else?  oh yeah, i cant start nursing school yet because i didnt meet the deadlines due to a mixup that was NOT MY FAULT.  i am enrolled at the local community college through which i will be taking the classes, but i didnt know that i had to register with the local hospital as well (it is a co-op program) and so i have to sit out this year.  i guess i am not as upset about that as it gives me time to normalize my schedule first, but damn...  i could have at least been taking any supplemental classes.  ugh.

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so thats that.  also - for any of my readers who i read as well, i am so sorry for my lack of comments on your blogs.  i have been following along periodically, but have been in too much of a funk to say anything productive.  but i am hearing yall.  definitely. 

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not too much else.  family is driving me insane, and i reallllllly dont like living with my brother's ex.  she is a sweet girl, but hubby calls her "dim-bulb" and it fits.  its like talking to a child sometimes.  and she wont replace toilet tissue or dish liquid.  and she keeps eating our lunch supplies.  and she insists on keeping all the room doors and windows closed, so that the house feels like a stale, hot, dark tomb.  and my nephew, bless his heart, is spoiled rotten and runs his parents which does NOT happen with muppet so there is always exasperation there.  i love my  little buddy, but he always screams bloody murder with me because i make him either "listen to auntie" or "SIT DOWN AND HAVE A TIME OUT!!!"  (note - there is no problem with me disciplining him, my family is close and we believe in the "village" philosophy.  his parents dont undermine me when i discipline him, thank god. and since i dont believe in spanking children, all that gets hurt are his feelings.  ;o)  )  plus, my brother is coddled by my mother, and i am beginning to resent the fact that he can use her car whenever he wants to (and he runs around all times of the night, transporting his friends and whatnot in addition to going to school, work, the mall, etc) since his got stolen, but if i ask to use it to go buy food, she gives me this huge lecture and song and dance about how she is tired of loaning out her car and how she is always having to put wear on her precious vehicle and how it keeps getting mysterious scratches on it and whatnot....  AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! (hello - when your son is a reckless driver, things happen)   her precious son?  take the BUS???!!!  never!!!  but my ass is up an hour before the crack of dawn to walk 20 blocks to do so.  the clincher is that my hubby and brother and mom work in the same building, but hubby has to walk while brother gets picked up by my mother, to ride in style.  and its not a short walk, either. (they take the two babies to child care, and everyone cant fit.  brother gets to ride.  hubby doesnt - ever.) brother can afford a new car, mind you, but wont buy one because, hey, hey has a personal chauffer and "rental" car at his fingertips.  why buy a car?  but the people who are struggling have to "foot it."  in the oppressive heat.  (quick background, i had a car.  it died while i was in school.  i couldnt afford a new one.  nor could hubby, as he was in school full time too.  so we are just building savings back up since i was damn near out of work for 2 months and we had to use that money to live on.  brother has a super cushy job that my mother set up for him via one of her friends and makes big bucks.  he had a very well known and expensive car, which was stolen. he refuses to persue anything regarding it, nor get a new car.  he likes using to money to buy frivolous things.    i love my brother, but he has always been like this - coddled and comfortable with having things handed to him.  to his credit, he is in university part time, but damn.  and no, he doesnt have to pay for his tuition, either.  i, on the other hand, did.  am i bitter?  maybe a wee bit.) but yeah, there are too many people in this house.  and it is not working.

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oh, oh, one more clarification.  yes, hubby does have a position in the same building.  but it is not as high as my brothers, it is not a permanent position, nor does he have benefits.  it was not a "hook up" like the other one, and sadly, hubby is job hunting now, too.

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okay, i realize that this whole entry is like one big bratty, jealous, ungrateful whine.  but i swear, it is not meant to come off that way.  i am  frustrated with everything around me... and that is why i havent posted in weeks.  i am hoping for something better soon, i need to get the hell out of this house so all my childhood shit doesnt come rushing back to overtake me.  that middle child thing?  especially when you have an older sister and a younger brother?  its real, yall. 

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okay, time to stop.

Comments

[Mommela]

Hang in there. Hang on till your fingernails bleed. This is just a painful, awful, stab-yourself-in-the-heart step on your way to bigger and better. In the end, you'll get yours, and there will be light and joy and INTEGRITY.

When all else fails, just keep repeating, "It's just a phase, it's just a phase, it's just a phase... I can put up with anything that's just a phase. This is not forever."

[Milenka]

*hugs* I've had days, weeks, and months like the one's you're having right now, sweetie, and it's never easy. Bitch or cry or do whatever else you need to do, but please remember that we are here to listen no matter what you have to say. I'm just an email away, okay?

[The Aitch]

always loving y ou. sorry 'bout this shit! hope you get through it!

[Yolanda]

This can not and will not break you down- you are getting stronger with each frustrating moment. Praying that things have reached their darkest so that the light can overwhelm you with joy and blessings. Don't think twice about not posting, I've barely opened my own blog lately let alone any others, too much to do with too little to say.

[michaela]

i don't know how you get through a single day with that many people in the house. but you do it! good luck on the interview :)