words

my father in law is dying.  my father is slowly killing himself.  i am drifting in a sea of misery and feel as though my tears are flooding my mind.

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i am a horrible friend, for i complain about the fact that i am alone but do not reach out.  i am content to bitch and whine, but take no action.

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i am my worst fear realized.

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i do love my job now, but not the circumstances that surround it.

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i have lost both love and respect for my mother.  and that is a hard, hard thing to swallow.  i know why and i know the circumstances that led up to this feeling,  but i dont know how it happened.  i think that something is wrong with me, for she is the same woman that she always was.  i think.  but maybe i am different now.  and i feel guilty, but i... dont love her like i did merely months ago.  it hurts me, and i am ashamed.

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my husband angers me, for i feel that he is stagnant and does not care about his health and appearance anymore.  yet, i am a hypocrite.

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my child is wonderful.  she is wonderful.  but she deserves better.

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i used to love blogging.  i used to love keeping up with the wonderful anecdotes of others, and lending a voice for solidarity.  but i have grown quiet and i wonder if silence is the next step. 

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yes, i am always fighting this rut.  and i knew that the rut could not be triumphed over, for it is ever-changing.  but it is oppressive.  like a hot, wet, blanket.  and i lack (through laziness or genetics, i dont know) the strength to come out for air. 

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i over eat and over spend to compensate for my life.  and then i sit, and sit, and sit, dreaming of the day it will all be different.

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time.  if only i could take it back.