Me vs. Rut...: words

About

October 2006

Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

stalking is just a form of flattery

zany mothering
the tragically un-tragic mulatto
summertime
suburban bliss
lowered expectations
reflections
morphing into mama
MOMster
aitch
like it or not
leery polyp
la petite banane
just a heartbeat away
in mommy we trust (sort of)
hello like before
hathor- the evolution revolution
ebony mommy
dooce
days like these!
city slicker mom
chronicles of mommyhood
I am a first time mom, wife for 5 years and career woman.
chookooloonks
Karen is a full-time writer and photographer, with a wry wit and a good eye. You can exploit either by contacting her at karen AT chookooloonks DOT com.
busha full of grace
brooke
Another mom trying to find her way.
being mama daily
baby poop and business suits
An extremely sassy liberal part-time working mother with lots to say about everything.
amalah
One-line bio? Hell no. How 'bout a hundred?
afrindiemum
insane adoption freak
a little pregnant
I'd like to tell you all about my pelvis.
1 ideal life

webrings

designer of the year

site meter

Blog powered by Typepad

ooh, look! i'm a little cartoon thing!

« love thursday | Main | »

September 18, 2006

words

my father in law is dying. my father is slowly killing himself. i am drifting in a sea of misery and feel as though my tears are flooding my mind.

i am a horrible friend, for i complain about the fact that i am alone but do not reach out. i am content to bitch and whine, but take no action.

i am my worst fear realized.

i do love my job now, but not the circumstances that surround it.

i have lost both love and respect for my mother. and that is a hard, hard thing to swallow. i know why and i know the circumstances that led up to this feeling, but i dont know how it happened. i think that something is wrong with me, for she is the same woman that she always was. i think. but maybe i am different now. and i feel guilty, but i... dont love her like i did merely months ago. it hurts me, and i am ashamed.

my husband angers me, for i feel that he is stagnant and does not care about his health and appearance anymore. yet, i am a hypocrite.

my child is wonderful. she is wonderful. but she deserves better.

i used to love blogging. i used to love keeping up with the wonderful anecdotes of others, and lending a voice for solidarity. but i have grown quiet and i wonder if silence is the next step.

yes, i am always fighting this rut. and i knew that the rut could not be triumphed over, for it is ever-changing. but it is oppressive. like a hot, wet, blanket. and i lack (through laziness or genetics, i dont know) the strength to come out for air.

i over eat and over spend to compensate for my life. and then i sit, and sit, and sit, dreaming of the day it will all be different.

time. if only i could take it back.

08:46 PM in arbitrary musings | Permalink

Comments

Being a grown-up totally blows sometimes. You're not alone and you have reached out. We're here.

We grow, we change; our understanding of ourselves and those around us grow and change. Sometimes that growth and change is very, very painful.

You can't make it right, you can only do what's right.

Posted by: Mommela | September 19, 2006 at 06:22 AM

Love you.

Posted by: The Aitch | September 19, 2006 at 08:29 AM

Girl I know how you feel and I know where you are. Dont let the rut get the best of you. I know it is easier said than done, I know because like I said I have been there. This hashas been one crazy summer for me, and I have tried to continue to stay positive and fight the feeling. You have to fight it with all you have. Even if the most postive thing is your daughter just focus on being the mommy she deserves even if you dont have energy for the other stuff.
Ok so now for some reason this old school song my grandmom used to sing is ringing in my heart and I am going to share it....."there's a bright side somwhere, don't you rest until you find it, there's a brightside somewhere"
Very simple message, Sounds corny but it is soo true!

Posted by: Sylvie | September 19, 2006 at 09:56 AM

I wish I were there to give you a big hug- you are such a kind and compassionate person I hate to see the rut beating you down so hard right now. Sylvie has such great wisdom, focus on the positive with all of your might- Muppet has such a wonderful Mama she will protect you from this rut with all of her little heart and soul.

Posted by: Yolanda | September 19, 2006 at 10:11 AM

Oh, how I can relate. It's self hatred wrapped up a million different ways. And it is so, so hard to stop. I know from your words that you are a deeply compassionate and caring person. I hope that you can soon find a way out of the rut because I know you have the strength. I know it. Just take it one step at a time.

Posted by: MoMo | September 19, 2006 at 12:45 PM

"Life is a struggle, but we never give in."

Most (all?) advice is easier said than done, but mine to you is to just keep trying. If today is not the best day in your life, perhaps tomorrow will be.

Concentrate on the good - and there is good - and don't worry about the things you have no control over. The older I get the more I realize how little control we truly have over our lives. And that has been an awesome revelation for me.

I'll be praying for you.

Posted by: Nerd Girl | September 20, 2006 at 06:25 AM

When I am feeling at my lowest, I think of this quote - "Life breaks us all. Some of us become strong at the broken places."

I hope it's helpful to you. I'm sending you all sorts of warm thoughts and positive energy.

Posted by: Zany Mama | September 20, 2006 at 08:15 PM

Oh, sweetie. *hugs*

Posted by: Milenka | September 25, 2006 at 01:54 PM

Missing you, sweetie. Please update or send me an email or something to let me know you're okay? *hugs*

Posted by: Milenka | October 01, 2006 at 04:24 PM

silence is where all the things that matter get heard. listen there. closely.

Posted by: Jasai | October 02, 2006 at 08:32 PM

Posted by: Gregory | June 01, 2007 at 10:45 AM

Posted by: Gregory | June 01, 2007 at 10:46 AM

u9tGEs gks72nf95mdHfLav1Xpu

Posted by: arman | October 14, 2008 at 08:56 AM

My name is James

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. I would just like to say that I am glad I found it, and I look forward to
becoming a productive member in this community.

----------------------
[url=http://offto.net/500]Work From Home[/url]

Posted by: Gorinsodedrox | November 12, 2008 at 07:13 AM