Me vs. Rut...

as they say, "you've gotta use deep s**t to grow the best roses..."

it has come to my attention from a well-meaning reader that my posts imply a deep depression and that i may need to speak to someone professionally.

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dear reader, thank you for your concern.  but i assure you, i am not depressed.  this blog is a place that i have been using to vent, to spill my frustrations.  it is not indicative of my entire life - mainly because i havent been updating often, and when good things happen, i tend to celebrate them without needing to "get anything off my chest."  though i am indeed stressed, and though "the rut" is still going on, i am okay.  sometimes, it takes time to make things the way you want them to.  when i started this blog, i was a new mom, dealing with motherhood, student-hood, time management, trying to deal with the red-tape that comes along with student housing, and navigating being "broke" all the time on 2 student incomes.  pretty normal stuff - and venting was to be expected, right?  then came the drama of needing to find a job, moving to a place that was "temporary" because of not having great cash-flow yet, and dealing with not having a car yet.  again, venting is to be expected.  throw in a completly selfish brother and an overbearing mother and you get a pretty common, though irritating as hell, situation.

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i am not depressed.  if i were, i have access to great resources - for free, even! (that is the one thing about my health care employer.  it is a huge system with many divisions, we have a mental health facility among those, and the hospital offers counseling to all employees)  i also would never compare my "rut" to the true depression that i know so many of my dear friends have spoken of.  my issues are "normal variety" stress that comes with being young and finding your niche in a crazy world.  my rut has taught me a LOT about self sufficiency and time frames, a LOT about when to accept help and when to pull up your bootstraps and do it your damn self.  it has taught me to SAVE MONEY because it is true - eventually, you money will save you.

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and the rut?  i know that it will soon be defeated.

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in fact, let me give all yall some better news.  i have found an apartment complex in the next city over, in a lovely area.  a great neighborhood, on the direct bus route i currently take, and the city has a great school system, including younger child care.  it is not far from where my niece goes to school, so she could actually walk to my new place after school, it is closer to my sisters house, and.....  it will just be johnny, muppet and i.  no outside influences or opinions, we get to live in peace.  there will be a bathroom on the same floor, so no navigating long flights of steps while half asleep/dong the peepee dance.  the kitchen will be on the same floor, so no more eating cold dry cereal and drinking lukewarm orange juice out of questionable cups because we are too dammed lazy tired to go down 2 long flights of steps of steps to reach the kitchen.  (and no more leaving cereal bowls up here, to make "cheese"!!!)  we get to spread out and take up all the space we need, no more needing to retreat to our room for privacy. being able to stock up on groceries, becuse we no longer have to share fridge/freezer space. no more random visitors that we dont know, and the complete ability to walk around like the nudists we are.  (okay, not all the time, but sometimes you just want to be free, ya know?!)

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and this weekend?  we are car shopping!!!  i am going to the same used car place that i got my last car, because it was a great find for a great price.  we are not so much looking for a particular make/model, just something dependable to last the next 3 years while i do nursing school.  and something cheap, cuz we are on a super tight budget. when i graduate, yall, i am treating myself to a brand spankin new honda crv.  because i love them.  and i have wanted one for years.  so i will update (with pictures, even!) when we find our new "wheels."

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muppet is wonderful, her new word is "sycamore."  where the hell did she learn that??!!  and in what context??!!  (oh, i laugh, i laugh!)  it is so cute to see/hear her say it, too.  the "more" part is accompanied by this little pucker... oh, she is so great!   she is enjoying her sitter, and although we are looking to put her somewhere a bit more academic and structured, i love "p." (her care provider) and will have to be sure to give her a gift of my appreciation for easing my daughters transition to "outside care" and easing my fears of having someone else care for my baby. 

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okay darlings, that is all for now.  i send good vibes to my pregnant friends and assure you all that i am, indeed, okay.

hey yall!  its me again.  i thought i would be able to sleep late today, as it is my day off, but since hubby mysteriously has 2 "broken" arms and forgets how to care for a child whenever i am in the house past 6am, i had to get up to "help him" get things together so that they could leave on time this morning.  basically, it is early and id rather be asleep.  but i cant re-find that warm, snuggly pocket in the bed under the covers that feels perfect and makes you never want to get up again.  so i guess i should go ahead and start my day.

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was that paragraph coherent?  i dont know.  yall know what i mean!

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anyway, i think i am going with word press, but the biggest problem is coming up with a new screen name thing and a new blog title.  i think that "me vs. rut" is still appropriate, but i want something fresh and new.  i dont want to be "muppets mama" or anything, and i am not necessarily clever about things of that sort.  so...  its taking a minute.  but as soon as i come up with it, yall will be the first to know.

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in other news, i am physically moving as well.   ahhhhh- the drama behind that one!  basically, my selfish ass brother decided and told me (on this past friday) that he was moving out (this past monday!)  yeah, 3 days notice.  so, not only are we stuck with more money to pay out for his missing portion on house hold expenses, but we cannot afford to live here without that extra 1/4 contribution, so we are scrambling to find an apartment.  which means we will no longer be able to "carpool" with my family, so we are scrambling to find a cheap but dependable car.  i swear, i could wring his scrawny little neck.  he claims he moved out because he needs his privacy.  but i think it had more to do with the fact that he is a selfish, impulsive, immature little boy who was raised to believe that his actions have no repercussions and that he is free to do whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he wants, all others be damned.  my mother, who complains about his irresponsibility and how she will be stuck making the mortgage payments (this is her house, though she doesnt live here) is the one who lent him the security deposit for his new place. 

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read that again.  she is the one who lent him the security deposit for his new place.  meaning: 1- he cant afford to move out, cant afford any of this bull that he is getting himself into.  2-  she financed, and continues to finance, his impulsive behavior, while complaining to her daughters about it.  3- she condoned his moving out and allowed him to screw her over with the whole mortgage thing  4-  she gave him a grand for his deposit so he could screw his little "barely legal" girlfriends without judgment and without question, while i - her other child- am left with no place to live and no financial reserves to find a place to live.   she made it possible for him to screw all of us. 

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and i am so damn tired of her treating her son like a GOD, it is making me crazy.  he has crashed his last 2 cars, and she act as his chauffeur/car rental/taxi service.  she caters to him.  she defers to him.  let me not forget, she is also his after hours child care provider, his bank, and his personal chef.  she used to do his laundry up till about a year ago.  geez.

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so yeah, i am looking for an apartment. but this is a blessing in disguise.  i will be able to have peace and be free from all the drama. 

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um, what else?  got screwed by my boss in regards to my benefits package, but the job itself is wonderful.  i am loving it, and am really glad that i have finally found something in the area that i am happy with.

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feeling sleepy now, sorry for the rambling rant, but thats what was on my mind this morning.  the next entry will be better, i promise.

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so, what should i name the new blog??!!

moving soon...

hello darlings...   i need some advice...  what is the best FREE blog service site? which are the free ones, anyway?  what say you?

i am better, things are better.  funeral arangements are being made for my fil, although he is still with us at this point.  he has called for all of his grandchildren to come see him this saturday, and so we will be making the trip up there. 

i dont think i mentioned this before, but i got a new position at the hospital, and will now be working in the or, assisting in c-sections. more money, full time, good stuff.

baby is great, though snotty at the moment.  lets just hope it stays clear!

hmmm...  i am in the process of making the baby a blanket, and though i am a novice with the whole crochet thing, i am very proud of it.  i will post pics soon. 

okay, its late.  more soon.

smooches to all yall, and thanks for checking in on me, milenka!