Me vs. Rut...

the road to succelence

i have been talking about losing weight.  (all talk no action, my friends!) well, over the past week or so, i have been kicked in the head with motivation.  between reading a few blogs with authors that are both amazing and inspirational and reading about a  topic that had such strong truth at heart (for me, i speak for no one else) and made me think about myself....  i took a good, long look in the mirror.

touching on the afore mentioned topic, i believe that i am not the woman i once was.  i have, in full honesty, let myself go.  hard thing to stomach, (no pun intended) when you are forced to accept that reality.  not only have i not lost my baby weight, i have put on more pounds from the comfort eating post-surgery.  i stupidly believed (or maybe i just rationalized the insanity to myself?)  that since i was breastfeeding, the extra calories from alllll that ice cream wouldnt hurt.  the lies we tell ourselves are always the worst.  i ballooned.  and now, it is time to pop that bubble of obliviousness.

how am i advertising myself?  see, we all advertise ourselves.  some may put it in different terms (i.e.  showing the world your best face, presenting yourself, the impression you give, etc.)  but i see it as the same thing.  folks, i am doing a piss poor job of showing the world who i am.  although i have gorgeous  hair (smile!)  outwardly, i appear to be lazy, and a bit sloppy.  these baggy winter clothes that i wear to hide my weight?  i appear to not care about my appearance.  that is what i am projecting.  a poor self image.  and that is the absolute LAST thing i need to cast out right now, in the midst of trying to apply for real jobs in the real world. not to mention that i am, indeed, concerned about how my appearance affects those around me.  i know i have asked hubby to shave and wear xyz to a function...  he is too kind to tell me the same, and wouldnt dare tell me that i look bad out of consideration for my feelings.  but i am almost positive that he thinks it. 

i used to be different.  i remember myself pre husband and pre baby.  i was more motivated, i took action.  for petes sake, i used to work in manhattan, wearing all black and heels, face forward and chin high, thinking nothing about lunching in trump towers (thank you for that, est*e laud*r!).  i was fierce.  and i showed it.  attractiveness is not just outside.  it is SO much an internal thing.

then i got married.  then i got frumpy.  and this is just... not fair to me.  not fair to him.  i think we both miss the woman i was.  and you know what?  it isnt just missing the appearance.  no, no.  it is much deeper than that.  it is about missing that self-confidence.  that sexual freedom and uninhibited-ness.  that self assured-ness that made me give sly smiles from the kitchen and wear sexy things to bed.  that confidence that made me smile at my reflection in store front windows, that extended to others around me.  that stepping up to be heard... and seen.  that strength and pride that allowed me to direct/act in vagina monologues,  playing the lesbian dominatrix... and working it with a whip and fishnets!  this is what i am talking about  - it my appearance was what made me unafraid.  it is not a superficial thing, it was my glow.  my curves making me flow with all things around me.  i was succulent, and i loved it.

and i have let it go.  who is to blame?  me.  simply me.  and it is also up to me to pick myself and brush myself off.  cuz folks?  i "clean up good!"

so...  it is time.  time to get real.  time to re emerge.  time to polish up.  time to eat better and treat my body better.  time to take the time and effort every day, despite what else is going on.  time to stop making excuses, and claim what i know is there.  time to advertise the best me that i am, for, after all, i am the only one who can.

in the words of a dear friend, time to "get my hot back."

yeah. 

great things?

WARNING! WARNING!  BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD!!

okay.  here it is.  i am fat. 

i dont really like that word, but for all intents and purposes, it fits.  i used to be plump.  i liked plump.  what is the difference, you say?  oh, about 80 pounds.  that picture of me on the top of the page?  i am about 200 lbs in that picture.  a size 16.  uncomfortable in my skin, but not feeling like a circus freak.  currently?  i weigh (my heart is beating so fast as i type this cuz IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME TO TYPE THIS) 263 right now.  a size 22.  i want to say a lot of it is baby related.  this is true.  i have a gut that is waaaaay out to there.  before the baby, i was around 230.  not great... but not feeling like i feel now.  right now, i do feel like a circus freak.  i see my bodys profile in windows as i walk down the street and i am horrified.  and i feel like... ive gotta get my act together!!!  i know this, i think this all the time, my body image consumes me.  and yet, i dont actively do anything, despite my best intentions.

my biggest fear is that my daughter starts to buy into this insanity.  that she begins to realize/understand and thus act upon my insecurities.  i doubt that my daughter will ever be thin.  i have thin people in my family, as does my husband, but he is a big guy - always has been, according to him.  my weight has severly fluxuated all my life.  muppet will probably be "average" at her smallest.  i could be way off.  but that is my guestimate.  i dont want her to ever, ever feel bad about who she is or/because of what she looks like if she is heavy.  on the flip side, i dont want her to look think something is wrong with heavy people if she is thinner.

do I think that there is something wrong with heavy people?  nope.  i do, however think there is something wrong with unhealthy people.  like me.  my weight has negatively impacted my health.  there is, indeed, something wrong with that.  some people hold thier weight well and do not suffer because of it.  that is great, and i am very happy for those people.  another thing, though, is mental health.  i am not mentally healthy in regards to my size.  note that i was a great size and had a great disposition and outlook when i was 160.  i am 5 foot 4.  160 is horrible, according to most doctors charts and by most societal standards.  so please dont think i am a hypocrite - secretly wanting to be societally beautiful.  160 worked for me.  i want to be there again.  rounded, big butt-ed... thick and happy.  thick is lovely, it is curvy, it is succulent.  YEAH!!!  thats it!  i want to be succulent!! like a ripe fruit.  not fat and miserable.  like i am now. 

funny story.   one of my buddies from way back is bigger than i am now.  she looks amazing, has no "rolls", has no stretch marks, and can get away with wearing revealing clothing and everything.  i maintain that there are people who can hold weight and be amazing.  i just dont fall into that category.

now, on to the title of this post.  there is this show on bravo called "great things about being..."   the one i recorded is about being fat.  okay, i saw the title and had to set the dvr.  i am going to list what they say:

#20 - there are so many ways to be fat (i.e. ample, curvy, robust, plump...)

#19 - you rule the dance floor (i.e. rerun from whats happening, rikki lake in hairspray)

#18 - you have awesome cleavage (i.e queen latifa, cameryn manehein,

#17 - you can eat! (youre already fat, so you can indulge)

#16 - you are large and in charge (i.e. boss hog, shirley from whats happening, roseanne)

#15 - nicknames  (i.e.  fat albert, fats domino, chubby checker, notorious b.i.g, big pussy from the sopranos

#14 -you are less likely to be kidnapped (wtf??!!  they say small people are easier to carry)

#13 - youre awesome at sports (i.e. baseball, football, sumo)

#12 - youre everybodys best friend (always in movies and tv, fat people are comforting and can make people look better in comparison)

#11 -anonymity (headless fat people in news reports and tv specials/documentaries )

#10 - the tuba (fat peoples very own musical instrument - although they do say that this is unfair, sizist and rude)

#9 - no one screws with you in  prison

#8 - youre historically hot (reubenesque, venus of willendorf, meant you had money)

#7 - you can sing (aretha, mahalia jackson, pavarotti - you know they didnt sleep their way to the top)

#6 - hot chicks dig you (tv shows: fat man, hot wife)

#5 - it makes you a better actor (i.e. bridget jones, monster, raging bull)

#4 - you are hilarious (all the fore"fathers "of comedy are fat men)

#3 - santa claus (skinny santas are evil)

#2 - oprah (she has realitic weight issues that we all can relate to)

#1 - its not over until you say so (till the fat lady sings)

some other "good things" they list:

it shows youve kicked your drug habit

you can survive in ice water twice as long as a smaller  person

hmm... the show is a spoof like thing...presumptuous and rude at times.  it covers a huge range of stereotypes, and had me thinking of turning it off many, many times from irritation and pissed-offness. then i started to think.  some may find this all amusing.  there were many (mostly) "fat" narrators, and they seemed to find fun in talking of other "fat" people.  maybe i was taking it all too personally.  i dont know.  i was insulted at times, but at times i was nodding along with them cuz fat does, in fact, make for some pretty fabu cleavage.  plus, they did mention some goodies like "the fat girls guide to life," sir mix a lots "baby got back," and queens "big bottom girls."  condescending, yes, but i guess to be taken with a grain of salt.  and perhaps a doobie. 

ugly duckling

i  think that i embarass my family.  this past weekend, my mother pulled me to the side and told me that my husband is not supposed to upstage me.  basically, i was wearing my hair in an afro (but i admit, it was very tangled and in need of some moisture) and was dressed like an absolute bum.  everyone felt the need to tell me to do something with my hair, and everyone seems to share the opinion that i look "sloppy."

yes, i have to admit this as well... i have let myself go.  once i got pregnant, i felt that comfort could finally be the only concern, and after the baby was born, i kept that same school of  thought.  but after over a year of this, i am 45lbs heavier, with no clothes that really fit, skin that makes me look like a mid-pubescent kid, and just... damaged self esteem. 

it is easier to not care and look like a hot mess than to try and look like a hot mess anyway.  why cant i commit to self-improvement?  i have no motivation.  i have no will power.  seriously.  i know i need to get myself back together.  but it is so much easier said than done.  i need support, solidarity, maybe a fitness partner.

i need to feel good about myself.  you know whats funny? i want to get to the point where i dont even think about my appearance.  that is my goal, not necessarily to be proud of myself, but to get to a place where i am so comfortable in my skin, that i dont think about it.  THAT is ultimate acceptance, you know?

i want to do weight watchers... mainly because it keeps coming up in my life and it seems to work so well for other people.  lord knows that i have tried so many other things and failed miserably.   

maybe i will post pics of my progress here.  i am so tired of feeling like this.  hating the mirror.  i need to get off my lazy ass and do something.  do something.  do something.   yall, i am not big boned.  i am not "thick."  more importantly, i am not healthy. i am fat.  and i really, really dont want to be anymore.  mind you, i dont want to be skinny.  that is not realistic for me, nor necessarily appealing.  i want to be about a size 12-14.  that has worked for me before. 

i need to get a plan.  and then just get up and do it.